well i didnt sleep one wink last night. tears kept coming to my eyes and i couldn't stand thinking about this year. everyone says 'new year, new start' but really you can change yourself whenever you feel the need to as long as you have will power.
now because i didn't sleep last night, i ended up writing down alot of things.
this became a letter of general feelings.
"baby.
there's so much i wish i could say. you are the special someone i care about most, the one whose love an friendship i couldn't live without. loving you is hard to regret, losing you is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt i've felt, letting you go is the most painful yet. loving you means everything to me. the friendship, love and wonderful times that you bring into my life are like nothing else ive ever known. thanks for the smile you gave me. i will never forget you. i love you so much more than you could ever guess, you are and always will be the one i love forever, my every happiness. and do you know what kills me the most, its i cant stop thinking of you. i still draw little hearts in my notebooks. i still smile when I hear a song you like. i can remember every night, on the phone before you went to sleep. because those days were the ones i wish we still had. why can't i stop this? the dreams, the thoughts, the tears. why do you still haunt me after all this time? my hand was shaking, and i could hardly breathe writing this letter for you to keep. and when you need a reminder or how i feel, even if you dont love me, i will always wait for you and no matter what happens, you are in my heart baby.
p.s. i love you."
you know, sometimes its easier to write things than say them. i could of sat there last night, at my desk and writen pages and pages more, but it does no good to the mind. my heart is so torn apart, theres no more mental pain anymore, that pain has gone and replaced it is a physical pain. my chest physically collapses. have you ever been punched in the stomach? that sharp pain that can leave you breathless for a few seconds. thats the exact pain i feel. sudden pain that seems to puncture my lung for a split second. the agony is unbearable!
and if i let you in on a little secret... im not even exagerating!
only one of my friends has seen this pain with me. because it was that night i stayed over her house, i screamed in pain and she had no idea how much i wasn't exagerating.
maybe someday it will die down and not hurt, but for now, i'm stuck with it.
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